I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
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Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
A choir of Spring onions
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol