I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
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[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain