I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
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[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection