Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.