Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*