Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.