I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
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[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
The news in a nutshell.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.