Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

this chia pet tastes awful

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]