Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.

This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.