Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

My Guy

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

She knows her part so well!