Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

Genie: You have three wishes.

Me: First, I would like a time machine.

*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*

Genie: You have three wishes.