Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.