I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
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Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.