I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
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Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
selena gomez
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
when dads have a rap battle
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.