Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?