Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse