Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

me 2 months after i graduated

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?