Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.