Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

That’s Saturday nights plans ruined

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

Whoa… oh I see lol

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees