I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
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If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?