I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
![]()
You Might Also Like
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
![]()
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.