I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
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Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out