I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
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Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.