I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
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Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
“Why you watching this shit?”
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?