Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
You Might Also Like
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Finally!
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Um … Hot Wings please
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?