I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
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Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Expect the unexporcupine.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.