I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
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Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Not today
still the best tweet of the year by far
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”