I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
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In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*