I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
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Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Brands during Pride
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.