Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

SPLOOT

I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now