I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
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Only a mother’s love …
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.