Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.