I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
still the best tweet of the year by far
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.