I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
What do you text your spouse?
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello