I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*