I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”