I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
You Might Also Like
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Well, shit
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.
If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.