[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
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“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
