Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell