Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

My time has come.

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses