Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

PER MY LAST EMAIL

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?