I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
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We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
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Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!