Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing

Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?

Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

I had to Stop for this

what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime