I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
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Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
shit just got real
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations