I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
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if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
