I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
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Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.