I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
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ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Family Celebrity
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
