Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

2yo: daddy play with me!

Me: okay!!

2yo: *points* sit right here.

Me: okay.

2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!

Me: okay.

2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!

Me: okayyyyyyy.

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?