Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

I…do not understand how electricity works.

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life