Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

President The Rock Obama

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

sensitive skin

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.