Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?

I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention