Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.