I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
You Might Also Like
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in