I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
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Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I can’t wait!
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.