I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
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this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.