Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

I need a headline like this

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

Black Friday “markdowns” like

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.