Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t