@rad_milk

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

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@SteveDutzy

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

@HenpeckedHal

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

@JermHimselfish

The only meal my girlfriend ever makes for me is alphabet soup because even when we aren’t fighting she still loves to put words in my mouth

@SteveSuckington

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

@AbleLikes

missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night

@tonyposnanski

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

@LorieGZ

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.