im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

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Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol


-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”


Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: drugs.

Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.


I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.


When hubs is sleeping I put my Care Bear blanket on him and take the most adorable blackmail photos ever.


[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far