im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

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Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.



5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.


Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”


The only meal my girlfriend ever makes for me is alphabet soup because even when we aren’t fighting she still loves to put words in my mouth


First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*


missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night


Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.


My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.