im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
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[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.