Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

There’s only one good girl here!

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

I’m not proud

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.