Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”