Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

My safe word is Worcestershire

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.

they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born

Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.

Bank manager: Get out.

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.