I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
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Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
dude it’s called proctologist
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?