I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
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when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.