Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
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Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
In Canada they just call them geese
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!