I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
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How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls