Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

weird email i got today

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

Day 2 of my diet

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..