Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

Is this the real life?
Is this just

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before