Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

she has a point

At least when I talk to myself here, people don’t look at me funny.

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.