Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.

me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.